Wayne LaPierre is a man who clearly does not know how to think big. And so I’d like to offer my services for his next press conference, with this proposed followup speech.
My fellow Americans::: signal lost ::
Thank you for attending this conference call. As before, there will be no followup questions; there's too much talking in the world already, and too much thinking. We'd like to control that sort of thing.
That said, I regret to admit that I misspoke earlier when I recommended armed guards for schools. On further consideration, there is no practical way to establish armed guards in each classroom; even an elite cadre of teachers cross-trained in Language Arts and Violence Studies would be insufficient.
With this in mind, and with only the greatest love for our nation’s children in my heart, I propose the following modest steps:
What we need are armed children. Well-trained, with NRA coursework in NRA-accredited Shooters’ Universities, of course; the NRA would be only too delighted to take over some of the larger existent universities to turn them to the necessary ends, and what American university would not be delighted to do their part in protecting our children? No one is suggesting arming anyone under seven with heavy machine guns, of course; children under seven certainly do not have the necessary discipline to learn basic safety, much less the hand strength to successfully wield such a weapon. So, for children four to seven, shotguns are recommended; for children three to four, 9mm handguns; for children under three but older than one, nothing heavier than a .22 is recommended, though parents who are truly concerned for the safety of their offspring will of course desire a backup .38 in each sock and a military-grade knife in the student’s backpack.
So, that takes care of the children. But basic safety requires going further. and the NRA is for the safety of all Americans. So the NRA will be delighted to offer the services of our mostly-trained, certainly dues-paying members, and their private reserve of heavy-tread vehicles, equipped with the latest in psychotic suppression technology. At 32,000 rounds per minute, any individuals who have managed to slip through our system’s excellent mental-health safety net will be rendered into their constituent parts in less time than it takes to call your congressman to urge him to support this offer.
Of course, no offering would be complete without nuclear weapons. Our founding fathers wanted us to be able to resist the tyranny of the government, and what better way to do that than MIRVs? In today’s dangerous environment, it’s indisputable that the best defense is a good offense; pre-emptive strike capability will leave our children glowing with good health, and their teachers blown away with our generosity.
Some will no doubt say that this does not go far enough; to these individuals, in all humble sincerity I offer our latest technology in safety assurance: The K-11 PlanetBuster. It causes me the deepest regret to tell you that fully one third of Americans are so short-sighted as to think that an asteroid one thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-four miles in diameter would be bad for the environment, but the vast majority of us know that the only way to truly protect America–indeed, the world–is to avoid not only human-on-human violence but also global warming, the fiscal cliff, and the perils of liberal democracy, and what better way to do so than to gently wield this most influential of deterrents. Why, if the K-11 can be guided in at the proper angle of approach, I can guarantee you, ladies and gentlemen, that a brave new world will be brought into being, and those damn dirty apes will–